So, it's been almost a month since Jayson and his new bae (Janice) have been together and I finally have time to write how I feel about it.
Now I'm the one who initiated the break-up AND encouraged Jayson to start seeing other people, but his relationship with Janice seems iffy to me for a few reasons:
1. Back when we were dating, Jayson explicitly stated to me that he was not at all attracted to Janice and even told me she had a bit of a "wild" side (that he absolutely and supposedly despised). This only proves what Jayson has denied all along throughout our relationship: that, when us females ask our men if they find/ever found someone attractive, they will deny it and go on further by discussing something they don't like about that girl. Now beware, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. Guys will lie directly to your face and say whatever you wanna hear. So thank you, Jayson, for confirming my suspicions and making me lose all sorts of faith and trust in men. You "men" are all the same lying scumbags.
2. According to my brother, Janice has been trying to get with Jayson for like forever (and they both became recently single around the same time too....hmmm) so Jayson finally decided to give her a chance, in an effort to move on. Now this should not be surprising at all. Jayson has been "in love" for the wrong reasons in the past, so now shouldn't be any different. For example, with Charmaine, he was supposedly in love with her for about two years..... even though he had nothing to hold on to. He wasn't really in love with her, just the thought of it. It was pure infatuation, if anything... but even so, he continued his charade of "proclaiming his love" for her for two whole years, when it didn't really exist all along. Jayson is weak; he always seeks companionship in the form of a woman who can keep him occupied. He's afraid of being alone. These women are all just filling a void for him. Sadly, this also makes me think, was I just another one of his void-fillers? Ew.
3. Lastly, prior to him publicizing their relationship, Jayson was still flirting with me - in a way that seemed like he was still trying to get back with me. Now although I was, and still am, strung on about being single, I did start randomly having thoughts of what things would be like if we started over. Little did I know this whole thing had been brewing with Janice all along...... Had I known Jayson had intentions of starting things up with Janice, I would have never become friends with him again and start hanging out and talking with him often. If he wanted to be with Janice, he should've just focused on her and solely on her, not as a back-up in case things with me couldn't work out. Like, leave me out of your picture. I never wanna be the person who comes in between a possible relationship; if he even had the slightest intentions of being with her, he should have openly come clean to me about it from the get-go... I thought we had at least reached that level of friendship. And I would have left them alone. But, I had to find out through Instagram on one random day, which was like a slap to my face. Imagine how dumb I felt.
Based on this whole post, you can probably sense that I'm a bit salty about all of this. And even more salty about our past relationship as I have come to realize what kind of person Jayson is when it comes to relationships. However, although Jayson got with Janice for what seems like the wrong reasons, I can only wish them the best. Who knows, maybe Jayson will truly fall in love this time.
As for me, I am still in no rush to swim and find other fish in the sea. I broke up with Jayson for a reason; I can't handle the stresses of a relationship right now, especially after all he's put me through. No sense in me trying to find another man only to repeat the cycle.
However, we all know I don't want to be single forever. And so, I've told myself: "Enter a new relationship ONLY when you are ready. And whoever you enter this new relationship with WILL BE YOUR LAST. (Or at least fight to make that happen, hehe.)"
I've still got so much growing and self-discovery to do. Plus, I'm really just not the type of person who likes to waste time and effort on irrelevant men. Let me just get through these last few months of school, and maybe then will I consider really dating again. My time [and person] will come, I just gotta be patient and get done what needs to be done at the moment.
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
^_^
Monday, December 29, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Dealing with a breakup is hard
Isn't it? In the midst of the things I do everyday, thoughts of him just creep up out of nowhere. This breakup is really difficult, but I still do believe it is best that me and Jayson aren't together.
To be honest, the breakup was much easier to deal with in the beginning because I had a lot of distractions... and by that I mean there were plenty of people who helped keep my mind off of him... and by that I mean guys. Funny thing is, although it seemed new and exciting to be hit on by guys again, something always just never felt right. Either I would not be attracted to that person, or I would be easily turned off, or both. Befriending was never a problem; I looove making new friends. But that's the thing, I make sure to keep them in the friend zone. Heh. The moment I get a hint that a guy is trying to hit on me, that's when I slowly back off. I actually wind up praying that these guys would stop trying to pursue me. And, it works. These guys realize their place in the friend zone and no longer try to pursue me.
But, now that there aren't any guys trying to hit on me recently (which is actually a good thing btw), I have no distractions. Without someone constantly trying to hit up my phone or FB message me throughout the day, there's nothing to keep my mind from wandering and thinking about Jayson again. And so, I am left with mixed emotions about how I still feel about Jayson. This ain't good. I think ultimately I've just been so used to always having someone to talk to, that once communication stopped with other guys, I'm back to missing Jayson - the person who was always there for me to talk to.
*Sigh* this sucks. Especially since I'm not the type of person that explicitly goes out looking for companionship..... and I don't ever plan on it. This breakup is hard, more so because I lost Jayson as a best friend, not boyfriend. I don't even know where we stand now, because although he claims he's still always there for me as a friend, it doesn't seem like it. I shouldn't fret too much about it though, because keeping our distance/not talking so often with each other is what's helping the both of us move on. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
*Sigh again* I hate thinking about all of this, yet it's so prevalent in my mind. What really frustrates me most about all of this is thinking of what could have been. Jayson and I were a great couple, and I really did have plans to spend the rest of my life with him. But somewhere down the line, something happened that turned me off/made me repulsed by him...... and there was no turning back since. I try so hard to think of what it was that sparked my repulsion towards him. Maybe it was more than one thing that caused it..... who knows. It's just, why did I let things prolong when I had been turned off by him for a while already? In fairness, I loved him, so I stayed in the relationship for as long as I could. We could have been something so much greater than we already were. Why did you have to mess that up for me, Jayson?! What the heck is it about you that made me eventually hate you?
Now that I think back, everything was a blur. Sometimes I think we could just start over fresh, but then I turn around and realize that it all might just be a cycle again.... I'd love you then hate you. We both know that's not healthy for us. I really do miss you... but I cringe and get mad every time I think of one bad memory. Things really are better this way..... to be free from a relationship with each other. I just really wish it didn't take so long to get over you.
To be honest, the breakup was much easier to deal with in the beginning because I had a lot of distractions... and by that I mean there were plenty of people who helped keep my mind off of him... and by that I mean guys. Funny thing is, although it seemed new and exciting to be hit on by guys again, something always just never felt right. Either I would not be attracted to that person, or I would be easily turned off, or both. Befriending was never a problem; I looove making new friends. But that's the thing, I make sure to keep them in the friend zone. Heh. The moment I get a hint that a guy is trying to hit on me, that's when I slowly back off. I actually wind up praying that these guys would stop trying to pursue me. And, it works. These guys realize their place in the friend zone and no longer try to pursue me.
But, now that there aren't any guys trying to hit on me recently (which is actually a good thing btw), I have no distractions. Without someone constantly trying to hit up my phone or FB message me throughout the day, there's nothing to keep my mind from wandering and thinking about Jayson again. And so, I am left with mixed emotions about how I still feel about Jayson. This ain't good. I think ultimately I've just been so used to always having someone to talk to, that once communication stopped with other guys, I'm back to missing Jayson - the person who was always there for me to talk to.
*Sigh* this sucks. Especially since I'm not the type of person that explicitly goes out looking for companionship..... and I don't ever plan on it. This breakup is hard, more so because I lost Jayson as a best friend, not boyfriend. I don't even know where we stand now, because although he claims he's still always there for me as a friend, it doesn't seem like it. I shouldn't fret too much about it though, because keeping our distance/not talking so often with each other is what's helping the both of us move on. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
*Sigh again* I hate thinking about all of this, yet it's so prevalent in my mind. What really frustrates me most about all of this is thinking of what could have been. Jayson and I were a great couple, and I really did have plans to spend the rest of my life with him. But somewhere down the line, something happened that turned me off/made me repulsed by him...... and there was no turning back since. I try so hard to think of what it was that sparked my repulsion towards him. Maybe it was more than one thing that caused it..... who knows. It's just, why did I let things prolong when I had been turned off by him for a while already? In fairness, I loved him, so I stayed in the relationship for as long as I could. We could have been something so much greater than we already were. Why did you have to mess that up for me, Jayson?! What the heck is it about you that made me eventually hate you?
Now that I think back, everything was a blur. Sometimes I think we could just start over fresh, but then I turn around and realize that it all might just be a cycle again.... I'd love you then hate you. We both know that's not healthy for us. I really do miss you... but I cringe and get mad every time I think of one bad memory. Things really are better this way..... to be free from a relationship with each other. I just really wish it didn't take so long to get over you.
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