Mixed Feelings

So, it's been almost a month since Jayson and his new bae (Janice) have been together and I finally have time to write how I feel about it.

Now I'm the one who initiated the break-up AND encouraged Jayson to start seeing other people, but his relationship with Janice seems iffy to me for a few reasons:

1. Back when we were dating, Jayson explicitly stated to me that he was not at all attracted to Janice and even told me she had a bit of a "wild" side (that he absolutely and supposedly despised). This only proves what Jayson has denied all along throughout our relationship: that, when us females ask our men if they find/ever found someone attractive, they will deny it and go on further by discussing something they don't like about that girl. Now beware, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. Guys will lie directly to your face and say whatever you wanna hear. So thank you, Jayson, for confirming my suspicions and making me lose all sorts of faith and trust in men. You "men" are all the same lying scumbags.

2. According to my brother, Janice has been trying to get with Jayson for like forever (and they both became recently single around the same time too....hmmm) so Jayson finally decided to give her a chance, in an effort to move on. Now this should not be surprising at all. Jayson has been "in love" for the wrong reasons in the past, so now shouldn't be any different. For example, with Charmaine, he was supposedly in love with her for about two years..... even though he had nothing to hold on to. He wasn't really in love with her, just the thought of it. It was pure infatuation, if anything... but even so, he continued his charade of "proclaiming his love" for her for two whole years, when it didn't really exist all along. Jayson is weak; he always seeks companionship in the form of a woman who can keep him occupied. He's afraid of being alone. These women are all just filling a void for him. Sadly, this also makes me think, was I just another one of his void-fillers? Ew.

3. Lastly, prior to him publicizing their relationship, Jayson was still flirting with me - in a way that seemed like he was still trying to get back with me. Now although I was, and still am, strung on about being single, I did start randomly having thoughts of what things would be like if we started over. Little did I know this whole thing had been brewing with Janice all along...... Had I known Jayson had intentions of starting things up with Janice, I would have never become friends with him again and start hanging out and talking with him often. If he wanted to be with Janice, he should've just focused on her and solely on her, not as a back-up in case things with me couldn't work out. Like, leave me out of your picture. I never wanna be the person who comes in between a possible relationship; if he even had the slightest intentions of being with her, he should have openly come clean to me about it from the get-go... I thought we had at least reached that level of friendship. And I would have left them alone. But, I had to find out through Instagram on one random day, which was like a slap to my face. Imagine how dumb I felt.

Based on this whole post, you can probably sense that I'm a bit salty about all of this. And even more salty about our past relationship as I have come to realize what kind of person Jayson is when it comes to relationships. However, although Jayson got with Janice for what seems like the wrong reasons, I can only wish them the best. Who knows, maybe Jayson will truly fall in love this time.

As for me, I am still in no rush to swim and find other fish in the sea. I broke up with Jayson for a reason; I can't handle the stresses of a relationship right now, especially after all he's put me through. No sense in me trying to find another man only to repeat the cycle.

However, we all know I don't want to be single forever. And so, I've told myself: "Enter a new relationship ONLY when you are ready. And whoever you enter this new relationship with WILL BE YOUR LAST. (Or at least fight to make that happen, hehe.)"

I've still got so much growing and self-discovery to do. Plus, I'm really just not the type of person who likes to waste time and effort on irrelevant men. Let me just get through these last few months of school, and maybe then will I consider really dating again. My time [and person] will come, I just gotta be patient and get done what needs to be done at the moment.






"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
^_^

Doesn't it hurt? When the one man you thought you could trust turned out to be the biggest liar you've ever known?

Anyways. Happy 14th Birthday to my little sister. She means the world to me.

Dealing with a breakup is hard

Isn't it? In the midst of the things I do everyday, thoughts of him just creep up out of nowhere. This breakup is really difficult, but I still do believe it is best that me and Jayson aren't together.

To be honest, the breakup was much easier to deal with in the beginning because I had a lot of distractions... and by that I mean there were plenty of people who helped keep my mind off of him... and by that I mean guys. Funny thing is, although it seemed new and exciting to be hit on by guys again, something always just never felt right. Either I would not be attracted to that person, or I would be easily turned off, or both. Befriending was never a problem; I looove making new friends. But that's the thing, I make sure to keep them in the friend zone. Heh. The moment I get a hint that a guy is trying to hit on me, that's when I slowly back off. I actually wind up praying that these guys would stop trying to pursue me. And, it works. These guys realize their place in the friend zone and no longer try to pursue me.

But, now that there aren't any guys trying to hit on me recently (which is actually a good thing btw), I have no distractions. Without someone constantly trying to hit up my phone or FB message me throughout the day, there's nothing to keep my mind from wandering and thinking about Jayson again. And so, I am left with mixed emotions about how I still feel about Jayson. This ain't good. I think ultimately I've just been so used to always having someone to talk to, that once communication stopped with other guys, I'm back to missing Jayson - the person who was always there for me to talk to.

*Sigh* this sucks. Especially since I'm not the type of person that explicitly goes out looking for companionship..... and I don't ever plan on it. This breakup is hard, more so because I lost Jayson as a best friend, not boyfriend. I don't even know where we stand now, because although he claims he's still always there for me as a friend, it doesn't seem like it. I shouldn't fret too much about it though, because keeping our distance/not talking so often with each other is what's helping the both of us move on. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

*Sigh again* I hate thinking about all of this, yet it's so prevalent in my mind. What really frustrates me most about all of this is thinking of what could have been. Jayson and I were a great couple, and I really did have plans to spend the rest of my life with him. But somewhere down the line, something happened that turned me off/made me repulsed by him...... and there was no turning back since. I try so hard to think of what it was that sparked my repulsion towards him. Maybe it was more than one thing that caused it..... who knows. It's just, why did I let things prolong when I had been turned off by him for a while already? In fairness, I loved him, so I stayed in the relationship for as long as I could. We could have been something so much greater than we already were. Why did you have to mess that up for me, Jayson?! What the heck is it about you that made me eventually hate you?

Now that I think back, everything was a blur. Sometimes I think we could just start over fresh, but then I turn around and realize that it all might just be a cycle again.... I'd love you then hate you. We both know that's not healthy for us. I really do miss you... but I cringe and get mad every time I think of one bad memory. Things really are better this way..... to be free from a relationship with each other. I just really wish it didn't take so long to get over you.

Seriously

I wish I had a best friend. And no, not a guy who is also a best friend, but just a bff. I wish I had a friend who knew most of the people I knew and I could tell secrets to...someone I can be myself with. Ugh, in all my years I've never really developed that kind of friendship with anyone...

What was supposed to be a blog about "The journey to a new me" turned out to be another blog about all my complaints (mainly about my ex - but I already had a whole blog dedicated to that previously.) Time to change things around.

I'm actually going to focus on this journey to a new me. Or, rather, the journey to finding myself. 

So, where to start? As we all know, for a while, I have been just clueless and totally depressed about what will come of the future. To top things, off, I am going through a really tough break-up with someone I've been with for 3 years. This calls for a recipe for disaster, right?

Well it seemed so. But I've got to change my perspective around. I have realized that the process of finding oneself is a long and hard one. Finding oneself is perhaps one of the biggest outbreaks/epiphanies anyone can ever experience - so might as well make this experience worthwhile.

So while I am not at that end stage of having found myself - not even close to it - I can say that I am making slow, progressive steps to better myself.

I am still continuing my education... in fact, with the looks of it, I should be graduating on time! But not to get too excited too soon, although I may be graduating on time, I am not guaranteed any job/career in my field. Heck, I still don't even know what I want to do.

I am slowly accepting that I do not need a man to fill a void. For far too long, I have relied on one man to do practically everything for/with me. And though I am thankful for everything he has done, it is time for me to start learning how to stand up on my own two feet. Things haven't been easy these days - in fact, things probably would be easier to deal with if I still had him by my side - but I need to learn independence (thought that too, is limited because I still live with my parents.) At this point in my life, it really is best to be single.... so I can truly focus on myself. All I can say to him is, "Thanks for the memories. I miss 'em sometimes, but I can do without." <--- Easier said than done though (but I'm improving.)

I'm making new friends as well as getting closer with family members. The world has so much to offer, including people. It's nice to spend time with others, and not always with your significant other.

Lastly, I am [always] on this continuous path to strengthen my relationship with Christ. I have been straying away from Him by being consumed in this secular world. Once I really learn to let go of the world, I can fully embrace God's grace. I can't say enough how blessed I am despite being a sinner, and for that I continue to thank Him. I continue to ask Him for guidance... to make better decisions for myself, to learn patience, to learn how to love others and more. Once I let go and let God, I will be at mental peace - the one thing I truly want to achieve.

So, good luck to me on this journey. I can't wait to see what He's got in store for me.

aaand also.........

my dad is a piece of shit

also.......

I get horny at the most random times..... like right now.....

#sexuallyfrustratedbutcantdoanythingaboutit

Late nights

These late nights studying or doing homework ultimately wind up being "thinking about life" sessions.

It's amazing how Jayson can still find ways to make me despise him, even when we're not together. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted because of him. He doesn't even realize the deep emotional burdens he placed on me when we were together. And thanks to him, I'm scarred. I'm scarred and scared of relationships. Why did things have to be this way... I just wanna break free from anything that tied me down in that relationship. I wanna have peace within myself. I'm ready to move on.

How bad is it...

.....that I'm in Jayson's house... and we're supposed to be having "us" time... but I'm on the fucking living room couch blogging. I'm just having the time of my life right now. I swear, if it wasn't for his dad's birthday, I'd leave in a heartbeat.

     What the fuck am I doing here. And why the fuck do I continue to stay with Jayson.

Series of Random Thoughts

Losing interest in Jayson. Well, truthfully speaking, I think I've lost interest in him for a looong time. My vag can't even get wet for him.

I wish Jayson was naturally a bit skinnier... or at least took his efforts to lose weight more seriously. Is it wrong that I actually do want him to be lean and cut with a nice 6-pack?

Why did I get in a relationship so early? I always tell myself, "no regrets", but this seems to be my biggest one yet.

I'm not as close to God as I want to be.

I need to let go of the things that continuously cause me stress.

I have no friends. I didn't do anything Friday night. It's Saturday, I'm bout to do nothing again today. Where did my life go?

I still have no money. I make money, then it goes away in a matter of a few days. And surprise, I'm not using it for materialistic purposes. Damn root canal.

And there are no upcoming jobs for me :(

This upcoming semester... how the hell am I gonna get through it? No money, no set schedule, no reliable transportation, have to get my grades up, and need to start doing internships. Hayssstttt.......

My hair... what the hell do I do with this shit?

Gahhh I'm so bored.

I'm ready for some changes in my life... but ain't nothing happenin'.

I just kinda want to break things off with Jayson for real. Not no mediocre break-up where technically we're still always there for each other. I just want to see what life would be like without him. And then I'd stay single for a while. And then I'd meet some new person who'd sweep me off my feet, and the rest would be history.

I wish I had natural beauty. I hate how I have to alter my face with makeup just to even look presentable. I hate how I can't walk out the house without even a hint of makeup. I always see these beautiful women everywhere, and I can't help but be jealous...

And why the hell am I so tan? Doesn't help that it's summer and the more I tan easily.

I wish I could go on more adventures with my sister. But, no money and no car.

I wish I was closer to my cousins... or anyone in general. I don't have any close friends.

I want to be humble. It's hard in this secular world we live in.

Finally found some time to write...

And what I'm 'bout to write is not pleasant...

I've figured it out - the reason why lately I have been easily annoyed, indifferent, and disrespectful towards Jayson:

I'm losing interest in him.

This started off much longer ago, but I'm going to begin with the time we went on a scary ghost tour in D.C. Jayson got this LS or Groupon deal (I forgot which) for a scary ghost tour around D.C. The actual thing was just a history lesson recap while walking around the Capitol. <--- That's Jayson's definition of fun. Literally. He said he actually had fun, and I believed him; throughout the history lessons, Jayson was all ears... he seemed so fascinated to learn about past presidents and other historical figures, and was even pressed to give a mediocre answer to one of the tour guide's questions. Like dude, youz a loser. So while he was into the whole thing, I watched him from aside and thought to myself "Wtf am I doing here... and is this the kind of guy I wanna be with forever?"

And then there's this whole PFA thing. Jayson finally joined after a few words of encouragement and whatnot from none other than ME. Then, a couple days later, we had the talk. Yes, the talk. The talk where he called me close-minded because I basically told him I could never join something like this simply because it's not "my thing". He was questioning my life decisions. He knows I don't want to do a regular, boring 9 to 5, and that I also don't want to join companies like this where "you work on your own schedule type shit and make lots of money." So, for him, it was like practically asking me: "Well, what the hell are you gonna do with your life, you lazy, unmotivated person?!" Yes, I am sensitive, even if I don't show it. Calling me close-minded just because I don't want to get into this type of thing was very close-minded of him. Why doesn't he understand that I will end up where I'm supposed to be in life - whether it's rich and successful, poor and struggling, or somewhere in between? I'm a go-with-the-flow type of person who knows when to plan, and when not to. Why is he being so pushy with my future? I'm going with His guidance, not his.

And then there's always this thing about Jayson publicly bashing someone or something on his Fb. This time, it was against slang and how it makes American society stupid and that people should learn more English. Dude. This is coming from someone who is an avid user of slang terms, whether he knows it or not... AND not to mention, this nigga has tried to [unsuccessfully] come up with his own slang terms multiple times. That MUST mean he's stupid. Plus, just because one learns English does not make them smart, whereas just because one uses slang terms doesn't make them stupid. And does he not know - slang exists EVERYWHERE in EVERY COUNTRY, that must mean every single person in every single country who uses slang is stupid and contributes to the stupidity of such country. #takeaseatandstoptrynasoundlikeyou'retopshit

And while he goes on bashing other people and things, he also likes to self-appraise. He JUST joined the PFA business and is sicin' himself up.
This is what he said: "Wow, I'm better than I thought. Look out world, this guy is on "
So much for humility.

Conclusion: He's just a narcissistic guy who's always looking for some attention.

Among other things, I'm really just not feelin' him. (I've said this before too.) When we're arguing, he feels the need to be all touchy-feely (which makes me super uncomfortable), so I wind up having to use force to try to push him off. During our last argument, I was pushing him off me (because he kept trying to touch me against my will) and then he started bucking at me aggressively - in what seemed like a threatening gesture. That's just a big no-no.

Also, I don't see Jayson as romantic. Sure, he has chivalrous tendencies, but he's just not romantic. He's a just a wanna-be or a fake-me-out romanticist. But he sure does not know how to please a woman - emotionally, and not just physically. He's also terrible at handling awkward situations. And the way he jokes around with me is just annoying as hell. And to think after 3 years I could accept him for his true self... it seems I haven't even come close.

3 years. That's right. You would also think that after 3 years, couples should just continue to work things out with each other... but for me it seems like 3 years of shit is enough reason for me to just walk away. When we would argue in the past, I've always had urges to talk to him even while we weren't on good terms... I would miss him like crazy... but now... I feel so indifferent. I don't have urges to talk to him and honestly, I don't miss him as crazily as I used to. I am doing sooooo fine without talking to him; I feel at peace... and all his messages all read bullshit to me. I don't care how long we go without talking or seeing each other. I'm going to cherish every minute of it.

I'm bored with him. I don't know what this means for our future, but so be it.

*P.S. Don't you just looove how many slang terms I've used in this long ass blog post? I must be stoopihhh.

Late Post

Those who continuously publicly bash others/things are annoying.
Those who praise themselves are annoying.

I just described Jayson in two sentences.

Update

I don't even know where to begin.....

I'm always thankful for the present situation(s) I'm in, but I feel like things could be better. Let me explain further:

For one, I'm extremely financially unstable. However, I thank God for the wonderful part-time opportunities I'm given. Also, I've been interviewed for Modells, so I hope I get the job. It seems though, that all the money I make disappears in a heartbeat - just on gas and food alone. It's very frustrating to not have any side money for miscellaneous things... but I'll live.

I'm also in a rut trying to get my fall semester set. I've only got 4 classes (12 credits) signed up so far, but I need 15. I'm really hoping to get an internship to fill in the rest of the credits and to actually build up experience in my field. I've also got to work my butt off to bring my GPA up so that I do not have my scholarship revoked. Thankfully I've been given a probationary period to bring up my GPA and to have my semester still paid for - actually, I never double checked so I need to get on that, eeeek. Lord I'm gonna need lots of help this fall!

*And of course, I have to rant about my relationship.*
Jayson and I are doing fine, actually. And by fine I mean, we're always going through a roller coaster of emotions - but at the end of the day, we still love each other. In fact, we are pronounced boyfriend and girlfriend again! Yay! That didn't come easily, though. It took months for me to even accept the title of girlfriend again - because of reasons. As usual, there are things he and I could both work and improve on, but it's all a part of the learning process! I think we're great. Even during the times when I hate his guts. However... our sex life has been kinda weird. I find myself a lot of the times not getting easily wet for him like I used to - and that only happens when I'm not not feelin' him so much (like pre-breakup days.) Besides the distractions of life, what is going on with me? Am I at that stage again where I don't feel as emotionally and physically connected with him like before? It often pains me when we have sex, and it shouldn't be that way. And the more we keep having sex while I'm in this condition (not getting wet easily or getting dry too quickly), the higher the risk of me getting a yeast infection again. I don't want to go through that again :/ I hope my body goes back to normal - I guess that'll come when things between me and Jayson get better and circumstances change. Stress has played a big role in my odd bodily functions. Could it also be because of his weight gain that's causing me to be less responsive sexually? Could it be because sex has become mechanical rather than spontaneous and romantic? Perhaps it's a combination of factors. Whatever it is, I hope things get better.

Anywho, things just really have been stressful for me and Jayson, especially with the whole financial shit. There's so much we want to do but cannot because of our financial situations. Although Jayson has his degree, it's difficult for him to find a steady job. Oh, the struggle! Gotta love it, right?

We're gonna get through this. I just hope in the midst of this painstaking era of our lives, that we are still able to make quality time for each other and keep the spark alive.

There are people, like me, who's facing crazy problems with their car..... then you've got other people who buy and sell cars just 'cuz they want to. 

Oh how easy it must be for him. He's got multiple cars, so what's it to him if he sells one... right? And it doesn't matter to him that he had goals for US to learn/relearn driving stick. Well, he's had his practice while I got very little - so for him that means he can sell the car because IT'S HIS AND HE BOUGHT IT and I have absolutely no say in this matter because I had no financial contribution towards it.

Whatever. There goes my chances of mastering stick. And there he goes never being satisfied with whatever vehicle(s) he has.

Going back to my old ways of getting tired of/getting annoyed by Jayson easily.

Since whatever is going on between us is undefined, there are blurred lines about expectations for each other.

Well, for Jayson, he expects love, respect, appreciation and blahhh.
I, however, expect so much more.

And the reason I expect so much - and perhaps too much - is because I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND. I feel like he still has a whole lot more to prove to me. And I am not liking the fact that he has gotten way too comfortable with me again... maybe that's why he thinks he can act the way he does.

But you know what, I only have myself to blame..... because I am the one who allowed him to get this close again, only to be disappointed in the end.

Until I come to some miraculous epiphany that I should just accept him for who he is, nothing he does is good enough for me. And that's the sad truth. Call me shallow or whatever, but I don't give a flying fuck. I am not entitled or obligated to show the kind of love, respect, appreciation - or whatever - that he wants out of a girlfriend. HELL NO.

Honestly, if you think about, we're more like best friends with benefits. 'Cuz I know that I, for one hand, do not want to give him any crazy emotional attachment that he seeks. I only want him when I want him, and if I don't, I kick him to the curb.

Associating myself with Jayson over these past few years has only given me more problems than happiness.

This isn't good nor is it healthy, and I don't know if that happiness can ever outweigh the problems. I have so much more to say, but I never know where to start.

40 Days and 40 Nights

Today, March 5, marks the beginning of Lent.

During Lent, we are not to "consume" flesh.... which actually means we are not to consume human flesh. This is commonly mistaken for not consuming meat produce.

We must abstain from sexual activity. So for the next 40 days, not only will I refrain from actual sex, but I will refrain from all forms of sexual activity.

I learned of the true meaning of "not consuming flesh" last year, yet I still committed the sin - multiple times. Needless to say, the following month I got a yeast infection that lasted the remainder of the year (or until I decided to stop having sex with my partner.) Now I don't know if my yeast infection has gone away, or if it may come back another time... but I believe I have been given another chance to redeem myself. This year, I will not fail Him.

Lord help me, 'cuz temptation often gets the best of us. But if my partner truly respects me and loves Him, then this shall be no problem.

California Blues

Awww, Jayson just left my house like an hour ago so I won't be seeing my cutie little poohead dorkbutt loser until March 8 :( BUT! I do hope he enjoys his trip and makes the most out of it! Just nothing too crazy or wild, heh :P

Jayson also just turned 24, so I was able to spend time with him and his family for the weekend; I hope he had a good birthday weekend... he deserved it! I've actually been spending a great deal of time with him lately, so I do think this little trip is healthy for the both of us. I will miss him dearly, and most of the time I will most likely be thinking about the past two weeks together and our last sexual encounter ;) LOL.

Ugh I seriously wish for the best for us. <3

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was great :)  Finally got to see some puppies and ate kbbq, yumz. But some white choco covered strawberries would have been nice. Or any sweet treat. Or anything! Lol

Anywho, is it me or are Jayson and I getting too comfortable with each other again?  That's not a good thing, at least in the stage we're in. I don't know. I'm still so torn about him..... about everything.  Idk what's gonna go on between us, but I know for sure I don't wanna go through the same shit I've been going through for the past two and a half years. I don't wanna deal with any emotional burdens just yet. I'm not ready to act like a girlfriend. If he gets too emotional or gets mad about me bitching or can't handle my mood swings or thinks my standards are too high, I honestly just wanna say,  "I don't give a fuck. I'm not your girlfriend." But, that's not me.

Image

I should be reading but... I can't stop thinking about how much I dislike Jayson's new image. I literally told him I'm never getting back with him for as long as he decides to wear that ugly ass earring - not just around me, but around others too. I've expressed to him before how I felt about guys who wear earrings. I guess he doesn't fucking care. lol. -__-

It's funny because one would expect that since I'm the one who initiated the break-up, I'd be going wild and enjoying my single life and trying out new things. But no, it's the complete opposite. Since we broke up, Jayson was the one going out more, while I decided to stay home more. Jayson was the one who took up drinking while I avoided it. Jayson experimented - and is still experimenting - with his image (new hair, earring, etc) while I tried to stay simple and embrace my natural side more.

Ugh I hope this is just a phase. I like the old Jayson a whole lot more than the post-breakup Jayson. He was so handsome with a nice short but spiked hairstyle and no earring. It was more simple.

I mean, let's put it this way: a visible earring on a guy is like me having a nose piercing (or a piercing any part of my face.) How would he feel if I got one? Idk, maybe I'm making a big deal out of this for no reason but I don't care. I stand firm when I say I refuse to date a guy who wears earrings.

Then again, I don't plan on getting back with him anytime soon still. Maybe that's why he's so effing comfortable wearing that shit. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get by him and the more I think of reasons why I still don't want to be with him right now. For example, he needs to chill out with his hormones. He keeps getting sexual with me, and I keep telling him to calm down with that, but he doesn't listen. Was it a mistake to have allowed him to see me after only a month? I know I missed him a lot and all, but now that we're becoming close again, it seems like maybe things are moving a bit too fast. *Sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm glad that we're friends again, but I don't want it to reach to the point where I find myself constantly annoyed by him because he's being too pushy and mushy.

Why does it seem like whether we're in a relationship or not, I always find myself having so many issues with Jayson?' I feel myself going back to the easily annoyed Carla.. but I shouldn't 'cuz we just recently became cool again. Maybe it would have been best to not have seen him so soon. A month of space is nothing now that I think about it.

Will You Be My Valentine?

I was actually gonna write a blog post about how I wish someone would nicely ask me to be their Valentine and how I miss being asked - but Jayson beat me to it! Yesterday night, he pulled a movie scene move. It went like this:

So I'm chillin' on my bed trying to see what's up with my waitlisted classes, and all of a sudden I hear random clacks on my window. After like the 5th one, I was like "Oh my God, is this really happening?" Then I opened my window and there it was: a lit up heart and Jayson standing outside. [I tried to get my window to open all the way but I had trouble, so Jayson actually came up to help me, but we acted like that part never happened, LOL] So there he was outside, with a big ass sign saying "Be My Valentine" right next to the lit-up heart (there were bystanders who were curious to see what would happen next.) Then, he climbed on top of a ladder he placed right below my window and gave me more goodies and then we kissed, yay! It was so cute. And cold. LOL.

Anywho, I posted a pic up on IG about his nice romantic gesture... I got the usual "Aww so sweeet, and Awww I'm so jealous" comments, but then I got a few comments that made me feel bad. Some girls wrote comments about how their man never even asked them to be their Valentine, or how Jayson made their bf look bad and such and such. Now, how would you feel if you were the bfs of these girls? I'd feel damn hurt. And I don't want the bfs of these girls to feel like they have to do something sweet now as if slightly forced instead of doing it from the heart.

AND ALSO: On Fb, it bothered me that my aunt felt the need to state that Pete "beat" Jayson in being sweet (Lord knows what Pete did to ask her to be his Valentine.) Who fucking cares? This ain't a competition. I don't want people to feel like they have to outdo Jayson in romantic gestures, plus, I feel like Pete only did something super sweet 'cuz he saw what Jayson was doing for me. Guys just need to be themselves and if their girl can't accept the way they are, then that's their problem! Jayson himself is just naturally a romantic sap. Some guys aren't. But as long as they show signs of love and affection from the heart, then who cares about all these romantic gestures! And I also don't want Jayson to eventually be the guy who feels the need to be the best in romanticism and "beat" other guys' efforts and do these gestures as more of a "show" rather than a pure act of love.

I understand that girls hate it when men are not sweet enough, but trust me, you wouldn't want a man who is overly sweet, especially if most of the sweet things he does is only to prove something and is not heartfelt.

I think Jayson has the right amount of sweetness, though there are some times when he can be super corny, lol. Either way, I love him for his personality and I wouldn't want him to change - unless it's for the better. That's why he's my Valentine forever and I'm his. OR ELSE I'LL KILL A BITCH.

Last Night...

Sooo last night, I finally got to see Jayson again after a whole month. That month without seeing him has been the longest month of my life, yet it seems like it went by so quick. Either way, I missed him. A LOT.

We had dinner at BonChon (yumz!) and watched That Awkward Moment afterwards. We were able to catch up on what's been going on with each other in the past month. For him, much has happened - not so much for me as I've written in previous blog posts, lol. But I was glad we talked about what seemed like everything. And honestly, a lot of weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I was assured he wasn't talking to another woman or getting wild where ever he went (well, there were a couple of times he got really drunk...) Anywho, I was also glad to not see him with an earring on (though I can't stop him if he wants to wear it around other people eh.)

I'm just happy he's still the same Jayson who [hopefully] loves and respects me like he's always had before. Last night was great, and I really needed that.

This leaves me to the question: Now what? I still want my space 'cuz I'm not ready for a serious tied-down relationship again just yet. But we kissed last night... and we kissed a lot. I honestly wasn't supposed to allow that to happen... I told myself it would just be a casual night, but still, we kissed. I guess that was a way of me saying "I'm still keeping my heart open for you." I don't want to rush anything though... I just want to take my time. I don't mind seeing him every so often, but I'm not ready to go back to seeing him every week just yet. If Jayson and I are to be together again, I want it to be a slow process - there's still much to happen for the both of us before we settle down. Let's just say, the next time Jayson and I ever get back together, that'll be IT. And from then on I hope we can take the next step in our relationship. If, of course, we're meant to be together.



God I missed him so much.

Upcoming Concerts

Saving this list of upcoming concerts 'cuz I'm gonna forget. Hopefully I'll get to attend at least one.

930 Club:

2 Chainz - March 24 - $45

Christina Perri - April 22 - $27.5

Fillmore at Silver Spring:

The Used & Taking Back Sunday - April 22

Constitution Hall:

Pentatonix - March 29

Merriweather Post Pavillion:

Fall Out Boy and Paramore - July 18 - $40-60

Jiffy Lube Live:

Bruno Mars - July 11 - Way too expensive

Norva:

Lindsey Stirling - June 26 - $25

Soooo Over School

I'm seriously gonna pull all my hair out because of my stupid school scheduling problem. I am currently only enrolled in three classes... THREE!!! I need 5! And I'm so stupid 'cuz I should've waited longer to start adjusting my schedule instead of dropping a million classes I thought I wasn't gonna need. Arghghghghghgh please PLEASE let my schedule work out for this semester!!!

On another note, lately I've been having these thoughts that school just isn't for me and that I'm seriously tired of it, and I don't even know where I'm going in life. Maybe I'm just stressed because of my whole scheduling shenanigan... but I can't help but to think: What if I had just pursued cosmetology like I wanted to in the first place? I could've been a great makeup and hair stylist by now... I mean, there is never a shortage of women who want to look good - and I could be making money off of them! I remember I told my parents that I wanted to do cosmetology at first, and they supported me... but then we saw the price of it and it just never pushed through.

For many, the 20s can be one of the best eras of their lives - but for me right now, all I'm facing is frustration. I just wish I knew what to do with my life. I need some guidance.... some sign.... something!

Like Father, Like Son.

For a while now, I told myself I'd distant myself away from my brother. He's a guy who shows no respect or companion for anyone else besides himself and Lovely (psh, I bet he disrespects her a lot like he did with all his other girlfriends before.) As he gets older, he's still stuck in a child's mindset. He's living the life of a prince at home and has NO SENSE of responsibility or priority. He fails to pay his loans and other finances yet has all the money in the world to spend on his stupid girlfriend. He also can't keep up with simple household chores and plays games all day long, if he's not at work. Either that, or he's out with Lovely. And most of all, when it comes to his family members asking him for small favors, he's QUICK to complain.

Like this morning, my dad - who failed to do my oil change yesterday - asked JP instead to accompany me to get an oil change today. You know what my stupid brother said?
"WHAT. Let Carla do it. She knows how. She's just being LAZY."
"And you know what she keeps telling me? That it's her car now. So let her take responsibility for it."

Well motherfucker. First off, I DON'T KNOW how to get an oil change because I'VE NEVER GOTTEN ONE BEFORE. Why the fuck was he assuming I knew how the process went. Second, I WASN'T BEING LAZY. I was gonna go do it myself because my dad has been loafing for the longest. I even asked Jayson to accompany me. BUT NO, my dad insisted he do it himself.... so be it! Was it MY fault then that my dad was the one who became too lazy to get the oil change?

Third. I've been taking care of that damn Integra since before I started claiming it was mine. I was the one who insisted on getting it fixed while JP was still in Texas. I was the one who had to go through all the bullshit that car put me through like having no a.c., not starting up properly, ETC. The list goes fucking on and on and on. Why the fuck is he being salty 'cuz I claim that car is mine now. He can barely pay for his own car, and never even finished paying off the Teggy. And not once did he bother to help out with the Teggy since it started having major problems. So guess what? Since I'M the main driver, and the one who has to deal with a death trap of a car & putting my life at risk for driving it, AND the one who's already taken responsibility for it since it started having major problems....  IT'S MY FUCKING CAR.

...But all I asked was for a small favor. All I get in return? A lazy father and unnecessary insults from my brother.

The two men in my life who are supposed to care about the welfare and safety of their family members DO NOTHING to ensure either.

Like father, like son.

Anyone?

I wanna go out and hang out before school starts. Yet when I make plans with people or they make plans with me, I back out last minute or make up an excuse not to go. Either I think the plan is too boring, or I wind up just not feeling like going anywhere. And the only person I even wanna hang out with is much too busy, and I don't want to bother him - especially when things are still slightly awkward between us. This is why I need new friends.

I wish I had friends who call me spontaneously like "Hey you, get ready in 30 mins, we're going on an adventure!"
Realistically though, I don't have friends like that, and I'd need more than 30 minutes to get ready lmfao.

What a winter break it has been. Much fun. Very time of my life. (Sarcasm intended)

Spoiled

I want to be spoiled. I want to be taken out to all the places I want to go to. I want to to try out a million restaurants. I want to go on shopping sprees. I want to be given a million dozen roses often.

But most of all, I want to be spoiled with love - with endless hugs and kisses and "I love yous".

For as long as I am rich with love and happiness, I will never be poor.

School Stress

School starts in less than a week. Can you effing believe that?! I'm already on my second semester at UMCP. Can't get too excited, though. My schedule isn't even finalized and the registration process for my classes has been (and still is) hell! Hopefully I am able to set my final schedule by the end of this week.
My biggest worries for this semester are: my grades and my financial situation. For my scholarship, I am supposed to maintain a 3.2 GPA..... And guess what I got for the fall semester? A freakin' 3.2. I can't afford to mess up or slack anymore. I was lucky to even get a 3.2! UMCP is so much more challenging than PGCC - but I should've expected that. As for my financial situation, it's gonna be tough. I haven't been given many work opportunities over the break, so I haven't been able to save much at all for the upcoming semester. I applied for a paid internship, but haven't heard back from them at all. These rare babysitting  gigs are all I can rely on for now; besides that I'll be completely broke. I can't rely on my parents for money at all either 'cuz they've got their own financial issues going on as well. Ugh, I've just been so stressed about my Spring semester, and it hasn't even started yet! Hopefully things will turn out eventually.

So I've got less than a week to adjust my sleeping schedule. This whole break, I've been staying up as late as 5 a.m. watching Netflix and rotting away with my life. Lol. My winter break was so insignificant. I can't even remember the most exciting thing I've done all break - that's 'cuz I literally did nothing all break (holidays excluded.) Sigh. What has come of my life. In a way, I look forward to the Spring semester 'cuz that'll keep my mind off things and keep me somewhat busy, but at the same time, I dread the endless amount of homework and other assignments I'm gonna have to do again. Well, that's better than sitting on your ass all day doing nothing, right? Arrghhh I just want all this school stress to go away soon! I just want one day of pure relaxation, where I don't have to worry about a damnnn thing. A real vacation would be nice too. Sigh, I'll just keep dreaming. Well, it's almost 3 a.m. There goes my goal of trying to sleep earlier. Lol.

Oh How the Tables Have Turned.....

Word on the street is, Jayson's gonna be traveling and trying a bunch of new things and whatnot. Sigh... why wasn't he like this when we were dating? Did he hate me or something? You know how many times I asked him if we could go on different adventures or try out new things, but he'd rather stay at home? Either that, or he'd say we don't have enough money - well, that was true... but where is he getting all this money now? It honestly sucks to see him having all this fun now, yet when he was with me, it was the same ol' boring routine every time. It sucks to see that he's the one who's actually fulfilling all the wants and desires I had in mind as a single person (travelling, going out more, meeting new people, and just having fun.) I just don't get it... maybe I'm just jealous of everything that's going on with him because I'm still stuck here in the same place with the same people. He's moving on, so much quicker and better than I am. Who would've thought... Sigh... I don't know how to feel towards him or anything anymore.

I guess being single really does change some people. 

I Have No Life

.....And it's pretty sad. I'm single and on Winter Break, yet I've been doing a whole bunch of nothing. I don't even hang out with people like that. What the hell is going on? I'm supposed to be going out and having as much fun as I can, but I'm not. Instead, I stay home most of the time :/ I mean, I should've seen this coming. I lost touch with most of my friends since being in a relationship for two years, and it's hard to get those connections back. Honestly, I don't even wanna reconnect with some of those people. I still wanna meet new kinds of people - but to meet new people and make friends with 'em takes even longer. And the fact that I've become socially lazy means that I don't even care to make the effort to really connect with people sometimes, lol. But, I need things to do to keep me busy because I find myself bored most of the time. And I need to be that old sociable and fun Carla that I once was. Well, whatever happens, happens. I'm never the type to force things so I'll just go with the flow.
     On the other hand, another semester is about to start (though my schedule isn't even set) - so at least that'll keep me somewhat busy. I should get more involved in activities and events though. *Sigh* Hope this semester turns out fine. I hope I'll be fine.

Best Friend

I honestly wish I had one. Throughout my life, I've always just made "temporary" best friends. Either they moved away, eventually went to different schools, or somewhere down the line we just fell off. Take Tammi for example, yeah - we used to be "best friends"... but after high school, we slowly drifted... she had different interests and so did I, and a number of other factors that caused us to become a bit distant. Don't get me wrong though, we still hang out here and there and share as much of what's going on with each of us as possible - but not at the deeper level I want.

I wish I had a best friend who I can be myself around; someone who accepts my weirdness (yes, I'm very weird), my sense of humor, my morals and values, and more without having to critically judge me (I know, best friends are comfortable enough to make fun of each other, but I would never want it to reach the point where he/she takes my joke too seriously or vice versa.) Anywho, I just want someone who accepts me.

Honestly, my mom is my best friend. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but sometimes I wish I had someone around my age to be able to share that bond with. My mom listens to all my problems, tells me hers, comforts me when I'm feeling down and always gives me the best kind of advice she can. But, there are times when I just can't share some specific things with her..... yet there is literally no one else I can turn to. My family members are in their own little worlds, and I don't feel comfortable sharing my life stories with just any random friend. There are times when I miss my ex because he actually was my best friend and more - honestly the bestest friend I've ever had - and now, I don't have that anymore. I have random urges to just talk to someone and babble on and on about nothing, but I can't. I live in a full house, yet I still feel so lonely most of the time. I'm trying so hard to just stick it out and deal with this unspoken loneliness, but it's not that easy. Who knew I could ever miss a person this much? It sucks, but I know it's for the better. *Sigh* :(

Mo' Money Mo' Prollems

Had a talk with my dad about financials and shet. Basically, my school tuition is due soon, and I just had to remind him.

When it comes to financials, my dad panics and looks for someone to blame when we are short on money (which is always) - and the person he always seems to blame is my mother. I just don't get it. He's the one who takes charge of the bank account and refuses to ever let my mother even glance at it (defeats the whole purpose of it being a "joint" account), so why does he blame my mother for the financial slum we're in? And how come he does not see that my mom is doing the best she can to help him out? The way my dad sees it - my mom doesn't make enough to help him pay for all the bills, and therefore she is useless. But he is sooo wrong. He doesn't understand that it is always my mom saving our asses in emergency cases - for example, there have been countless times when JP and I needed money for school, loans, and other payments. My dad also thinks my mom is some kind of a liar or something just because she decides to keep $100 to herself every paycheck. He thinks my mom actually has a lot of money that she's hiding. BUT, that money she keeps goes FAST, like stated above. That money is basically emergency money, and believe me - we never run out of emergencies. If my dad would stop being such a careless and materialistic spender AND have the guts to let my mom take over their bank account, circumstances may be sooo much different. It sucks to know that my dad thinks my mom is so incapable of handling financial matters - HELLO does he not remember that she freaking graduated from Accounting/Commerce?! Why does he continue to belittle my mom? She is the MOST capable and smartest person I know - just give her a chance. I'm pretty sure the reason he doesn't ever want my mom to take over the account is because he's hiding something(s). Ugh, fuck you dad for being so closed-minded and selfish.

My dad also expects my mom to be an "ambisyosa" and wants her to work her ass off and make tons of money. It's as if he only married her for financial help and nothing else. Does he not see that being a mother is the hardest job in the world? He'd rather have her take care of financial problems than take care of children. If it weren't for my mom taking care of us, Lord knows how we'd turn out! My dad told me that in America nowadays, BOTH parents have to work... I told him that that is a personal choice. I also told him that if my future husband made enough money and allowed me to stay home to watch after the children and the house, then I would love that! Nothing beats being able to proudly raise your kids on your own without having to hire a nanny or other help. But that's just me. If I have to work to help keep my kids alive, then I will. But I would never want my husband shoving that down my throat and seemingly forcing me to work.

Finding the balance between work and caring for children should be a joint effort for married couples. Couples should always strive to provide the best for their children - but that is not to be confused with striving for just more and more money. And blaming others for financial shortcomings (or any shortcomings) is not the answer. Keyword here is BALANCE. Work hard, but love your family even harder. Everything else in life comes and goes, but family will always be there.

Now, how the heck am I supposed to pay for my tuition?!

I NEED A JOB

Why is job-searching so hard? I can't fucking find a local seasonal job (and I'm freakin' running out of time already) nor can I find a part-time job for the spring semester. What the hell am I supposed to do for the remainder of my winter break!? Sit around and be lazy like a bum?! I haven't even been getting any babysitting gigs recently. I am gonna be so broke for this upcoming semester. Fuck my life!!!

But on a serious note...

I just want to be happy, and at peace. I'm ready to go out in the world and explore everything! Lately however, I've literally just been in my house most of the time, and I go out very RARELY. And when I do go out, all I get are questions about my ex. I'll just wait 'til the day everyone, and myself, gets over this whole Jayson phase. People will still know me as that innocent, cool little lady who is fun to be around - but knows her limit. I don't plan on adopting any bad habits i.e. excessive drinking and smoking, in fact I plan on getting rid of my old bad habits. I still do wish I lived around a different environment... I don't want to go back to old friends that might influence me negatively (though I am smart enough to know what's right and wrong.) I want to have fun with good people who have ambitions and goals and can direct me to the right path. Well, we'll see what happens. Like I said before, this will be a lengthy process, so I'm gonna need lots of patience. I just have so many plans and I don't know where to start. But, I know He will always guide me :)

Regardless of everything going on right now, I am sooo thankful for life and every single thing I've been through. As long as I have supportive family, friends, and mostly Him, I will be alright :)

It's 2 a.m and I am actually writing this while I'm sick as hell. My whole body is freakin' sore and my nose won't stop running and I can't stop coughing!!! I can barely get up. Maybe that's the reason I've been goin' on a crazy blogging spree LOL. Oh well, I'll be more productive when I get better. Ugh, stupid dad - passing on his sickness to me and my mom >=/

Okay I need some rest lololol

First Post

Okay, so I've been going on a crazy blogging spree (*see other blog about my bucket list). I decided to create new blogs, to kinda go with this whole "New Me" theme. Basically, as a newly single young lady, I am on a journey to become the best me possible. I know, this is gonna be one lengthy process - eeeek!

Well because I am now single, I think it's appropriate to express what I want in a [future] man - though I'm definitely not looking for one now or anytime soon. I'm just trying to embrace this single life!

As I list down the things I look for in a man, I will be adding some side comments - and honestly, a lot may be about what I disliked about my ex or other past guys (and/or father). The whole point of eventually finding someone new, is to find someone who does not possess the [negative] qualities of the old.

So here it goes:

- Someone who fears and loves Him. If anything, I'd need the guy to seek Him before he could ever get to me. (That's definitely hard to find nowadays)
- Someone who accepts me for all my weirdness; Yes, I am a pretty weird person - and if you can't handle me, you don't deserve me!
- Someone who gets along with my family AND FRIENDS. It is crucial that this guy strives to be at best terms with my family members, because I will always choose family over any guy ANY DAY. And, he must be willing to get along with my friends, and not always keeping me to himself.
- Someone who has a sense of BALANCE. *This is sooooo important to me* I need to be able to have my separate sphere (life) while he has his own, too. But at the end of the day, it'll always just  be me and him.
- Someone who is loyal and trustworthy. I have some trust issues; you can thank my dad. (See old blog about my rant on my dad) And it's gonna take A WHOLE LOT to break that wall. I don't need a guy who decides to hang out with or talk to different ladies all the time. And I don't need a guy who is even capable of telling me little white lies.
- Someone who is open with me - someone who won't keep anything from me. This ties in with the whole trustworthy thing. I don't want someone who hides details about his life. If I ask where you're at, or what you're doing, I don't expect the guy to lie to me about where he is and who he's with and what they're doing. Just tell me the truth. I will always find out the truth in the end. ALWAYS.
- Someone who likes to cuddle ^_^
- Someone who isn't so shallow: accepts me without makeup, accepts my body and lack of boobs/butt/height or whatever. I'm super insecure about myself sometimes, so I need a guy who reminds me that I am still beautiful - and genuinely means it. Funny because, people would probably think I'm shallow based on this list LOL.
- Someone with a sense of humor... I grew up in a very interesting family who all possess different traits, but, we've all got a sense of humor. Imagine growing up with my brother, who is practically a clown, or my parents and sister who act silly at random times, or other family members that love to joke around... you could say, I've been amused my whole life. I need a guy who can naturally make me laugh, without the use of corny lines all the time, like my ex. I need someone I can joke with, who won't take my jokes so seriously - someone who is not so sensitive like a fucking girl.
- Someone who doesn't hit on or flirt with other girls (especially family members) while dating me. I put an emphasis on family members because too many times have I had to deal with a guy I like finding my cousin(s) attractive and flirting with her. Generally speaking, I want a guy who is only focused on me. That includes not "looking" at every other cute/pretty/hot/sexy female who passes by. The [few] guys in my past have always been "lookers" and have no shame doing that. HATE IT. Makes me feel all insecure and shit. Oh, and I'd like a guy who doesn't go "liking" every girls' pics on social networks.
- Someone who is responsible - now this is very broad, but let me try to clarify a bit. I need someone who is responsible financially, takes care of his health (as well as mine), takes care of all his duties in a [mostly] timely manner (I admit, I can be lazy, too), and knows his limit with worldly desires (that includes shopping, drinking, and other indulgences.)
- Also, someone who doesn't drink too and smoke too much - if possible, at all. Let's just say, I originally wanted a man who knew how to have fun and loosen up with me during social events - but in a responsible manner. Now, I feel like I despise men who drink (you can thank my ex.) He got into the habit of drinking after we broke up, and does it irresponsibly. He's the type that wants to "show off" this new habit; like he would be the first one to initiate drinking or ask others "When we going to drink" like a fucking loser. I don't want someone who drinks more times than I do in a year within just a week. I don't want no alcoholics or drug addicts!!! I want my future kids to grow up with parents who are as pure and clean as they can be and drinking/drugs ruin that. (Take my dad, for example. People have been noticing he's been drinking and smoking a lot lately. Not cool. He's growing white hairs exponentially and his belly is getting huge - EW lol)
- Someone who engages in different hobbies. I've always wanted a guy that could either sing, dance, or play and instrument. It would be GREAT if there was a guy that could do all the above! Eventually, I'd like for me and my future husband to engage our future kids into the same hobbies and develop them into talents that they can share with the world.
- Someone who is sweet, but not overly corny. There are moments when we can be mushy, but not all the freakin' time. It gets so tiring.
- Someone who is great in bed ;) I want someone who isn't only worried about when HE'LL cum, but does his best to please me. I want someone who knows how to make me feel like a woman that is wanted.. and needed. Now, this is the last thing I'll ever observe in a guy, as I no longer will be giving up my "flower" so easily. Right now, any affiliations with me and any guy will be strictly PLATONIC until the right guy breaks down my barrier (which will take a while.)

Okay, for the physical aspects:
- Someone tall (I'm short, and I would like to have babies with some height. But, if my kids turn out short, I'll accept them either way LOL)
- Slender, but muscular. I want to be able to put my arms around the guy, ya know.
- Someone with a sense of fashion. I don't wanna walk around with someone looking like a bum all the time (unless we are just at home chillin'). I love a man in a nice suit and tie combo, but I also like a man who knows current urban fashion. Someone who will wear the right type of outfit for the right kinda of day.
- Someone who smells good - the better you smell, the higher chance of sexy time you get from me ;) LOLOLOL. Actually, I just need someone with good hygiene: cleans their ears, takes regular showers, shaves regularly, cleans up after himself, etc etc.
- Someone who doesn't have any ear piercings (actually, any piercings at all - I find that gay as shit.) I don't want a guy who has tattoos, especially visible ones. Well, honestly, I wouldn't mind if a guy got a secret tattoo with me - and ONLY ME :)
- Blue/green/hazel/grey/light brown eyes. (I have a thing for white guys, lol)

As you can see by this list, I'll be single forever, because all these traits are impossible to find in one man. *Cries* But, a girl can dream, right? Anywho, I'm going to keep updating this 'cuz I know I'm still missing a lot of other traits.