On Sunday, February 22, Jayson and I went out for the first time in a long time. We went to Burger King. We jokingly said "this is our first date" - and although funny, I couldn't help but to get bothered. Thoughts about Jayson's fake relationship with Janice clouded my mind; it had me thinking about how much of a"better" fake boyfriend he showed the world he was to her than a real one to me.
And all I did? ...all I did was ask Jayson to ease my mind of these thoughts. I didn't want to think about them just as much as he didn't want to talk about them. All I wanted was some comfort, some reassurance... but for some reason I didn't receive any of that. It only turned to anger and a new revelation of insecurities I never thought I'd have. Instead of helping me get rid of those securities, he pretty much kept reminding me that I was insecure, and in essence told me to get over it as it was a personal problem I needed to take care of.
Do you know how much that sucks? That the man who is supposed to make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world, the man who is not supposed to allow his girl to have any insecurities, wasn't doing all that much to get rid of them and instead tells you to "get over it"? That, it's my personal problem to take care of?
Insecurities don't come out of nowhere. No one in the world has ever made me feel more insecure about myself and their devotion to me than Jayson. Since he has entered my life, he has played with my heart - tossing it around whenever it was convenient for him; he has openly expressed to me the women he thought of as hot, sexy, beautiful; has engaged in in-person interactions with other women that made me uncomfortable, and recently asked to be friends then took it right back... and here I was... just taking it all in.
How I acted on Sunday may have been immature, yes, but until now, does he not realize I'm only reacting to what's presented to me? I won't be insecure, if I have nothing to be insecure about. In a relationship or not, Jayson continues to scar me. And I have scars - plenty of them, since 2009. Does he still wonder why it's hard for me to trust him - and men, in general?
And to think my patience has increased during those months we weren't together... To be honest, my patience has improved; I do my best to stay respectful and stay on good terms with those around me... and I've been doing great at it. But it is only Jayson's presence that brings out the worst in me... something must be wrong. It's better we stay away from each other.
If Jayson wants to date older women, then so be it. I hope they show him the maturity that he so greatly seeks, because obviously, I can't. Do you know how much that sucks, as well? To see that the man you've loved all this time, the man you thought loved you unconditionally, goes on to publicly say that all of this only proves why dating older women is preferred. Well, just your luck, Jayson. There are plenty of older female fish in the sea, so swim, and swim freely. Never before have I been this sure about finally letting go of Jayson. Not just because of what he said about dating older women, but everything else that went wrong in our relationship that we could not patch up. And no, not the "we're broken up but I still reserve him in my heart" joke of a letting-go..... I really am coming to terms that we just may not be meant for each other, and it had to take all of this to figure it out. We have way too many irreconcilable differences, we view each other in a negative light now, and we obviously want different things out of life right now as well. So, this is my farewell.
To the man who showed me the potential of true love, thank you for these past 6 years. I'll take all our moments, our experiences, our trials, as the greatest lessons learned. But I think we can both agree that it's finally time to move onto a new chapter. Best wishes always,
-Carla.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
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