Monday, April 13, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
I love my parents
...but sometimes I wish they would just sort out their problems on their own, instead of always making me the middleman.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
On Sunday, February 22, Jayson and I went out for the first time in a long time. We went to Burger King. We jokingly said "this is our first date" - and although funny, I couldn't help but to get bothered. Thoughts about Jayson's fake relationship with Janice clouded my mind; it had me thinking about how much of a"better" fake boyfriend he showed the world he was to her than a real one to me.
And all I did? ...all I did was ask Jayson to ease my mind of these thoughts. I didn't want to think about them just as much as he didn't want to talk about them. All I wanted was some comfort, some reassurance... but for some reason I didn't receive any of that. It only turned to anger and a new revelation of insecurities I never thought I'd have. Instead of helping me get rid of those securities, he pretty much kept reminding me that I was insecure, and in essence told me to get over it as it was a personal problem I needed to take care of.
Do you know how much that sucks? That the man who is supposed to make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world, the man who is not supposed to allow his girl to have any insecurities, wasn't doing all that much to get rid of them and instead tells you to "get over it"? That, it's my personal problem to take care of?
Insecurities don't come out of nowhere. No one in the world has ever made me feel more insecure about myself and their devotion to me than Jayson. Since he has entered my life, he has played with my heart - tossing it around whenever it was convenient for him; he has openly expressed to me the women he thought of as hot, sexy, beautiful; has engaged in in-person interactions with other women that made me uncomfortable, and recently asked to be friends then took it right back... and here I was... just taking it all in.
How I acted on Sunday may have been immature, yes, but until now, does he not realize I'm only reacting to what's presented to me? I won't be insecure, if I have nothing to be insecure about. In a relationship or not, Jayson continues to scar me. And I have scars - plenty of them, since 2009. Does he still wonder why it's hard for me to trust him - and men, in general?
And to think my patience has increased during those months we weren't together... To be honest, my patience has improved; I do my best to stay respectful and stay on good terms with those around me... and I've been doing great at it. But it is only Jayson's presence that brings out the worst in me... something must be wrong. It's better we stay away from each other.
If Jayson wants to date older women, then so be it. I hope they show him the maturity that he so greatly seeks, because obviously, I can't. Do you know how much that sucks, as well? To see that the man you've loved all this time, the man you thought loved you unconditionally, goes on to publicly say that all of this only proves why dating older women is preferred. Well, just your luck, Jayson. There are plenty of older female fish in the sea, so swim, and swim freely. Never before have I been this sure about finally letting go of Jayson. Not just because of what he said about dating older women, but everything else that went wrong in our relationship that we could not patch up. And no, not the "we're broken up but I still reserve him in my heart" joke of a letting-go..... I really am coming to terms that we just may not be meant for each other, and it had to take all of this to figure it out. We have way too many irreconcilable differences, we view each other in a negative light now, and we obviously want different things out of life right now as well. So, this is my farewell.
To the man who showed me the potential of true love, thank you for these past 6 years. I'll take all our moments, our experiences, our trials, as the greatest lessons learned. But I think we can both agree that it's finally time to move onto a new chapter. Best wishes always,
-Carla.
And all I did? ...all I did was ask Jayson to ease my mind of these thoughts. I didn't want to think about them just as much as he didn't want to talk about them. All I wanted was some comfort, some reassurance... but for some reason I didn't receive any of that. It only turned to anger and a new revelation of insecurities I never thought I'd have. Instead of helping me get rid of those securities, he pretty much kept reminding me that I was insecure, and in essence told me to get over it as it was a personal problem I needed to take care of.
Do you know how much that sucks? That the man who is supposed to make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world, the man who is not supposed to allow his girl to have any insecurities, wasn't doing all that much to get rid of them and instead tells you to "get over it"? That, it's my personal problem to take care of?
Insecurities don't come out of nowhere. No one in the world has ever made me feel more insecure about myself and their devotion to me than Jayson. Since he has entered my life, he has played with my heart - tossing it around whenever it was convenient for him; he has openly expressed to me the women he thought of as hot, sexy, beautiful; has engaged in in-person interactions with other women that made me uncomfortable, and recently asked to be friends then took it right back... and here I was... just taking it all in.
How I acted on Sunday may have been immature, yes, but until now, does he not realize I'm only reacting to what's presented to me? I won't be insecure, if I have nothing to be insecure about. In a relationship or not, Jayson continues to scar me. And I have scars - plenty of them, since 2009. Does he still wonder why it's hard for me to trust him - and men, in general?
And to think my patience has increased during those months we weren't together... To be honest, my patience has improved; I do my best to stay respectful and stay on good terms with those around me... and I've been doing great at it. But it is only Jayson's presence that brings out the worst in me... something must be wrong. It's better we stay away from each other.
If Jayson wants to date older women, then so be it. I hope they show him the maturity that he so greatly seeks, because obviously, I can't. Do you know how much that sucks, as well? To see that the man you've loved all this time, the man you thought loved you unconditionally, goes on to publicly say that all of this only proves why dating older women is preferred. Well, just your luck, Jayson. There are plenty of older female fish in the sea, so swim, and swim freely. Never before have I been this sure about finally letting go of Jayson. Not just because of what he said about dating older women, but everything else that went wrong in our relationship that we could not patch up. And no, not the "we're broken up but I still reserve him in my heart" joke of a letting-go..... I really am coming to terms that we just may not be meant for each other, and it had to take all of this to figure it out. We have way too many irreconcilable differences, we view each other in a negative light now, and we obviously want different things out of life right now as well. So, this is my farewell.
To the man who showed me the potential of true love, thank you for these past 6 years. I'll take all our moments, our experiences, our trials, as the greatest lessons learned. But I think we can both agree that it's finally time to move onto a new chapter. Best wishes always,
-Carla.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION
1. BE A BETTER STUDENT
2. Step out of my comfort zone and try new things!
3. Start Zumba again
4. Complain less
5. Improve my time management skills. Challenge myself to get tasks done BEFORE a deadline
6. PRAY MORE; be more thankful
7. Always have PATIENCE, always be kind
8. Graduate college!
9. .....then find a job
10. Learn from the past, but move on from it
11. Spend as much time with family as I can
12. Learn to save money better
13. Grow my full eyebrows out!
14. Learn how to cook
15. Figure out what career path I want to go on, and pursue it
16. Get a car
2. Step out of my comfort zone and try new things!
3. Start Zumba again
4. Complain less
5. Improve my time management skills. Challenge myself to get tasks done BEFORE a deadline
6. PRAY MORE; be more thankful
7. Always have PATIENCE, always be kind
8. Graduate college!
9. .....then find a job
10. Learn from the past, but move on from it
11. Spend as much time with family as I can
12. Learn to save money better
13. Grow my full eyebrows out!
14. Learn how to cook
15. Figure out what career path I want to go on, and pursue it
16. Get a car
Monday, December 29, 2014
Mixed Feelings
So, it's been almost a month since Jayson and his new bae (Janice) have been together and I finally have time to write how I feel about it.
Now I'm the one who initiated the break-up AND encouraged Jayson to start seeing other people, but his relationship with Janice seems iffy to me for a few reasons:
1. Back when we were dating, Jayson explicitly stated to me that he was not at all attracted to Janice and even told me she had a bit of a "wild" side (that he absolutely and supposedly despised). This only proves what Jayson has denied all along throughout our relationship: that, when us females ask our men if they find/ever found someone attractive, they will deny it and go on further by discussing something they don't like about that girl. Now beware, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. Guys will lie directly to your face and say whatever you wanna hear. So thank you, Jayson, for confirming my suspicions and making me lose all sorts of faith and trust in men. You "men" are all the same lying scumbags.
2. According to my brother, Janice has been trying to get with Jayson for like forever (and they both became recently single around the same time too....hmmm) so Jayson finally decided to give her a chance, in an effort to move on. Now this should not be surprising at all. Jayson has been "in love" for the wrong reasons in the past, so now shouldn't be any different. For example, with Charmaine, he was supposedly in love with her for about two years..... even though he had nothing to hold on to. He wasn't really in love with her, just the thought of it. It was pure infatuation, if anything... but even so, he continued his charade of "proclaiming his love" for her for two whole years, when it didn't really exist all along. Jayson is weak; he always seeks companionship in the form of a woman who can keep him occupied. He's afraid of being alone. These women are all just filling a void for him. Sadly, this also makes me think, was I just another one of his void-fillers? Ew.
3. Lastly, prior to him publicizing their relationship, Jayson was still flirting with me - in a way that seemed like he was still trying to get back with me. Now although I was, and still am, strung on about being single, I did start randomly having thoughts of what things would be like if we started over. Little did I know this whole thing had been brewing with Janice all along...... Had I known Jayson had intentions of starting things up with Janice, I would have never become friends with him again and start hanging out and talking with him often. If he wanted to be with Janice, he should've just focused on her and solely on her, not as a back-up in case things with me couldn't work out. Like, leave me out of your picture. I never wanna be the person who comes in between a possible relationship; if he even had the slightest intentions of being with her, he should have openly come clean to me about it from the get-go... I thought we had at least reached that level of friendship. And I would have left them alone. But, I had to find out through Instagram on one random day, which was like a slap to my face. Imagine how dumb I felt.
Based on this whole post, you can probably sense that I'm a bit salty about all of this. And even more salty about our past relationship as I have come to realize what kind of person Jayson is when it comes to relationships. However, although Jayson got with Janice for what seems like the wrong reasons, I can only wish them the best. Who knows, maybe Jayson will truly fall in love this time.
As for me, I am still in no rush to swim and find other fish in the sea. I broke up with Jayson for a reason; I can't handle the stresses of a relationship right now, especially after all he's put me through. No sense in me trying to find another man only to repeat the cycle.
However, we all know I don't want to be single forever. And so, I've told myself: "Enter a new relationship ONLY when you are ready. And whoever you enter this new relationship with WILL BE YOUR LAST. (Or at least fight to make that happen, hehe.)"
I've still got so much growing and self-discovery to do. Plus, I'm really just not the type of person who likes to waste time and effort on irrelevant men. Let me just get through these last few months of school, and maybe then will I consider really dating again. My time [and person] will come, I just gotta be patient and get done what needs to be done at the moment.
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
^_^
Now I'm the one who initiated the break-up AND encouraged Jayson to start seeing other people, but his relationship with Janice seems iffy to me for a few reasons:
1. Back when we were dating, Jayson explicitly stated to me that he was not at all attracted to Janice and even told me she had a bit of a "wild" side (that he absolutely and supposedly despised). This only proves what Jayson has denied all along throughout our relationship: that, when us females ask our men if they find/ever found someone attractive, they will deny it and go on further by discussing something they don't like about that girl. Now beware, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. Guys will lie directly to your face and say whatever you wanna hear. So thank you, Jayson, for confirming my suspicions and making me lose all sorts of faith and trust in men. You "men" are all the same lying scumbags.
2. According to my brother, Janice has been trying to get with Jayson for like forever (and they both became recently single around the same time too....hmmm) so Jayson finally decided to give her a chance, in an effort to move on. Now this should not be surprising at all. Jayson has been "in love" for the wrong reasons in the past, so now shouldn't be any different. For example, with Charmaine, he was supposedly in love with her for about two years..... even though he had nothing to hold on to. He wasn't really in love with her, just the thought of it. It was pure infatuation, if anything... but even so, he continued his charade of "proclaiming his love" for her for two whole years, when it didn't really exist all along. Jayson is weak; he always seeks companionship in the form of a woman who can keep him occupied. He's afraid of being alone. These women are all just filling a void for him. Sadly, this also makes me think, was I just another one of his void-fillers? Ew.
3. Lastly, prior to him publicizing their relationship, Jayson was still flirting with me - in a way that seemed like he was still trying to get back with me. Now although I was, and still am, strung on about being single, I did start randomly having thoughts of what things would be like if we started over. Little did I know this whole thing had been brewing with Janice all along...... Had I known Jayson had intentions of starting things up with Janice, I would have never become friends with him again and start hanging out and talking with him often. If he wanted to be with Janice, he should've just focused on her and solely on her, not as a back-up in case things with me couldn't work out. Like, leave me out of your picture. I never wanna be the person who comes in between a possible relationship; if he even had the slightest intentions of being with her, he should have openly come clean to me about it from the get-go... I thought we had at least reached that level of friendship. And I would have left them alone. But, I had to find out through Instagram on one random day, which was like a slap to my face. Imagine how dumb I felt.
Based on this whole post, you can probably sense that I'm a bit salty about all of this. And even more salty about our past relationship as I have come to realize what kind of person Jayson is when it comes to relationships. However, although Jayson got with Janice for what seems like the wrong reasons, I can only wish them the best. Who knows, maybe Jayson will truly fall in love this time.
As for me, I am still in no rush to swim and find other fish in the sea. I broke up with Jayson for a reason; I can't handle the stresses of a relationship right now, especially after all he's put me through. No sense in me trying to find another man only to repeat the cycle.
However, we all know I don't want to be single forever. And so, I've told myself: "Enter a new relationship ONLY when you are ready. And whoever you enter this new relationship with WILL BE YOUR LAST. (Or at least fight to make that happen, hehe.)"
I've still got so much growing and self-discovery to do. Plus, I'm really just not the type of person who likes to waste time and effort on irrelevant men. Let me just get through these last few months of school, and maybe then will I consider really dating again. My time [and person] will come, I just gotta be patient and get done what needs to be done at the moment.
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
^_^
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