Dealing with a breakup is hard

Isn't it? In the midst of the things I do everyday, thoughts of him just creep up out of nowhere. This breakup is really difficult, but I still do believe it is best that me and Jayson aren't together.

To be honest, the breakup was much easier to deal with in the beginning because I had a lot of distractions... and by that I mean there were plenty of people who helped keep my mind off of him... and by that I mean guys. Funny thing is, although it seemed new and exciting to be hit on by guys again, something always just never felt right. Either I would not be attracted to that person, or I would be easily turned off, or both. Befriending was never a problem; I looove making new friends. But that's the thing, I make sure to keep them in the friend zone. Heh. The moment I get a hint that a guy is trying to hit on me, that's when I slowly back off. I actually wind up praying that these guys would stop trying to pursue me. And, it works. These guys realize their place in the friend zone and no longer try to pursue me.

But, now that there aren't any guys trying to hit on me recently (which is actually a good thing btw), I have no distractions. Without someone constantly trying to hit up my phone or FB message me throughout the day, there's nothing to keep my mind from wandering and thinking about Jayson again. And so, I am left with mixed emotions about how I still feel about Jayson. This ain't good. I think ultimately I've just been so used to always having someone to talk to, that once communication stopped with other guys, I'm back to missing Jayson - the person who was always there for me to talk to.

*Sigh* this sucks. Especially since I'm not the type of person that explicitly goes out looking for companionship..... and I don't ever plan on it. This breakup is hard, more so because I lost Jayson as a best friend, not boyfriend. I don't even know where we stand now, because although he claims he's still always there for me as a friend, it doesn't seem like it. I shouldn't fret too much about it though, because keeping our distance/not talking so often with each other is what's helping the both of us move on. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

*Sigh again* I hate thinking about all of this, yet it's so prevalent in my mind. What really frustrates me most about all of this is thinking of what could have been. Jayson and I were a great couple, and I really did have plans to spend the rest of my life with him. But somewhere down the line, something happened that turned me off/made me repulsed by him...... and there was no turning back since. I try so hard to think of what it was that sparked my repulsion towards him. Maybe it was more than one thing that caused it..... who knows. It's just, why did I let things prolong when I had been turned off by him for a while already? In fairness, I loved him, so I stayed in the relationship for as long as I could. We could have been something so much greater than we already were. Why did you have to mess that up for me, Jayson?! What the heck is it about you that made me eventually hate you?

Now that I think back, everything was a blur. Sometimes I think we could just start over fresh, but then I turn around and realize that it all might just be a cycle again.... I'd love you then hate you. We both know that's not healthy for us. I really do miss you... but I cringe and get mad every time I think of one bad memory. Things really are better this way..... to be free from a relationship with each other. I just really wish it didn't take so long to get over you.

Seriously

I wish I had a best friend. And no, not a guy who is also a best friend, but just a bff. I wish I had a friend who knew most of the people I knew and I could tell secrets to...someone I can be myself with. Ugh, in all my years I've never really developed that kind of friendship with anyone...

What was supposed to be a blog about "The journey to a new me" turned out to be another blog about all my complaints (mainly about my ex - but I already had a whole blog dedicated to that previously.) Time to change things around.

I'm actually going to focus on this journey to a new me. Or, rather, the journey to finding myself. 

So, where to start? As we all know, for a while, I have been just clueless and totally depressed about what will come of the future. To top things, off, I am going through a really tough break-up with someone I've been with for 3 years. This calls for a recipe for disaster, right?

Well it seemed so. But I've got to change my perspective around. I have realized that the process of finding oneself is a long and hard one. Finding oneself is perhaps one of the biggest outbreaks/epiphanies anyone can ever experience - so might as well make this experience worthwhile.

So while I am not at that end stage of having found myself - not even close to it - I can say that I am making slow, progressive steps to better myself.

I am still continuing my education... in fact, with the looks of it, I should be graduating on time! But not to get too excited too soon, although I may be graduating on time, I am not guaranteed any job/career in my field. Heck, I still don't even know what I want to do.

I am slowly accepting that I do not need a man to fill a void. For far too long, I have relied on one man to do practically everything for/with me. And though I am thankful for everything he has done, it is time for me to start learning how to stand up on my own two feet. Things haven't been easy these days - in fact, things probably would be easier to deal with if I still had him by my side - but I need to learn independence (thought that too, is limited because I still live with my parents.) At this point in my life, it really is best to be single.... so I can truly focus on myself. All I can say to him is, "Thanks for the memories. I miss 'em sometimes, but I can do without." <--- Easier said than done though (but I'm improving.)

I'm making new friends as well as getting closer with family members. The world has so much to offer, including people. It's nice to spend time with others, and not always with your significant other.

Lastly, I am [always] on this continuous path to strengthen my relationship with Christ. I have been straying away from Him by being consumed in this secular world. Once I really learn to let go of the world, I can fully embrace God's grace. I can't say enough how blessed I am despite being a sinner, and for that I continue to thank Him. I continue to ask Him for guidance... to make better decisions for myself, to learn patience, to learn how to love others and more. Once I let go and let God, I will be at mental peace - the one thing I truly want to achieve.

So, good luck to me on this journey. I can't wait to see what He's got in store for me.

aaand also.........

my dad is a piece of shit

also.......

I get horny at the most random times..... like right now.....

#sexuallyfrustratedbutcantdoanythingaboutit

Late nights

These late nights studying or doing homework ultimately wind up being "thinking about life" sessions.

It's amazing how Jayson can still find ways to make me despise him, even when we're not together. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted because of him. He doesn't even realize the deep emotional burdens he placed on me when we were together. And thanks to him, I'm scarred. I'm scarred and scared of relationships. Why did things have to be this way... I just wanna break free from anything that tied me down in that relationship. I wanna have peace within myself. I'm ready to move on.