Finally found some time to write...

And what I'm 'bout to write is not pleasant...

I've figured it out - the reason why lately I have been easily annoyed, indifferent, and disrespectful towards Jayson:

I'm losing interest in him.

This started off much longer ago, but I'm going to begin with the time we went on a scary ghost tour in D.C. Jayson got this LS or Groupon deal (I forgot which) for a scary ghost tour around D.C. The actual thing was just a history lesson recap while walking around the Capitol. <--- That's Jayson's definition of fun. Literally. He said he actually had fun, and I believed him; throughout the history lessons, Jayson was all ears... he seemed so fascinated to learn about past presidents and other historical figures, and was even pressed to give a mediocre answer to one of the tour guide's questions. Like dude, youz a loser. So while he was into the whole thing, I watched him from aside and thought to myself "Wtf am I doing here... and is this the kind of guy I wanna be with forever?"

And then there's this whole PFA thing. Jayson finally joined after a few words of encouragement and whatnot from none other than ME. Then, a couple days later, we had the talk. Yes, the talk. The talk where he called me close-minded because I basically told him I could never join something like this simply because it's not "my thing". He was questioning my life decisions. He knows I don't want to do a regular, boring 9 to 5, and that I also don't want to join companies like this where "you work on your own schedule type shit and make lots of money." So, for him, it was like practically asking me: "Well, what the hell are you gonna do with your life, you lazy, unmotivated person?!" Yes, I am sensitive, even if I don't show it. Calling me close-minded just because I don't want to get into this type of thing was very close-minded of him. Why doesn't he understand that I will end up where I'm supposed to be in life - whether it's rich and successful, poor and struggling, or somewhere in between? I'm a go-with-the-flow type of person who knows when to plan, and when not to. Why is he being so pushy with my future? I'm going with His guidance, not his.

And then there's always this thing about Jayson publicly bashing someone or something on his Fb. This time, it was against slang and how it makes American society stupid and that people should learn more English. Dude. This is coming from someone who is an avid user of slang terms, whether he knows it or not... AND not to mention, this nigga has tried to [unsuccessfully] come up with his own slang terms multiple times. That MUST mean he's stupid. Plus, just because one learns English does not make them smart, whereas just because one uses slang terms doesn't make them stupid. And does he not know - slang exists EVERYWHERE in EVERY COUNTRY, that must mean every single person in every single country who uses slang is stupid and contributes to the stupidity of such country. #takeaseatandstoptrynasoundlikeyou'retopshit

And while he goes on bashing other people and things, he also likes to self-appraise. He JUST joined the PFA business and is sicin' himself up.
This is what he said: "Wow, I'm better than I thought. Look out world, this guy is on "
So much for humility.

Conclusion: He's just a narcissistic guy who's always looking for some attention.

Among other things, I'm really just not feelin' him. (I've said this before too.) When we're arguing, he feels the need to be all touchy-feely (which makes me super uncomfortable), so I wind up having to use force to try to push him off. During our last argument, I was pushing him off me (because he kept trying to touch me against my will) and then he started bucking at me aggressively - in what seemed like a threatening gesture. That's just a big no-no.

Also, I don't see Jayson as romantic. Sure, he has chivalrous tendencies, but he's just not romantic. He's a just a wanna-be or a fake-me-out romanticist. But he sure does not know how to please a woman - emotionally, and not just physically. He's also terrible at handling awkward situations. And the way he jokes around with me is just annoying as hell. And to think after 3 years I could accept him for his true self... it seems I haven't even come close.

3 years. That's right. You would also think that after 3 years, couples should just continue to work things out with each other... but for me it seems like 3 years of shit is enough reason for me to just walk away. When we would argue in the past, I've always had urges to talk to him even while we weren't on good terms... I would miss him like crazy... but now... I feel so indifferent. I don't have urges to talk to him and honestly, I don't miss him as crazily as I used to. I am doing sooooo fine without talking to him; I feel at peace... and all his messages all read bullshit to me. I don't care how long we go without talking or seeing each other. I'm going to cherish every minute of it.

I'm bored with him. I don't know what this means for our future, but so be it.

*P.S. Don't you just looove how many slang terms I've used in this long ass blog post? I must be stoopihhh.

Late Post

Those who continuously publicly bash others/things are annoying.
Those who praise themselves are annoying.

I just described Jayson in two sentences.

Update

I don't even know where to begin.....

I'm always thankful for the present situation(s) I'm in, but I feel like things could be better. Let me explain further:

For one, I'm extremely financially unstable. However, I thank God for the wonderful part-time opportunities I'm given. Also, I've been interviewed for Modells, so I hope I get the job. It seems though, that all the money I make disappears in a heartbeat - just on gas and food alone. It's very frustrating to not have any side money for miscellaneous things... but I'll live.

I'm also in a rut trying to get my fall semester set. I've only got 4 classes (12 credits) signed up so far, but I need 15. I'm really hoping to get an internship to fill in the rest of the credits and to actually build up experience in my field. I've also got to work my butt off to bring my GPA up so that I do not have my scholarship revoked. Thankfully I've been given a probationary period to bring up my GPA and to have my semester still paid for - actually, I never double checked so I need to get on that, eeeek. Lord I'm gonna need lots of help this fall!

*And of course, I have to rant about my relationship.*
Jayson and I are doing fine, actually. And by fine I mean, we're always going through a roller coaster of emotions - but at the end of the day, we still love each other. In fact, we are pronounced boyfriend and girlfriend again! Yay! That didn't come easily, though. It took months for me to even accept the title of girlfriend again - because of reasons. As usual, there are things he and I could both work and improve on, but it's all a part of the learning process! I think we're great. Even during the times when I hate his guts. However... our sex life has been kinda weird. I find myself a lot of the times not getting easily wet for him like I used to - and that only happens when I'm not not feelin' him so much (like pre-breakup days.) Besides the distractions of life, what is going on with me? Am I at that stage again where I don't feel as emotionally and physically connected with him like before? It often pains me when we have sex, and it shouldn't be that way. And the more we keep having sex while I'm in this condition (not getting wet easily or getting dry too quickly), the higher the risk of me getting a yeast infection again. I don't want to go through that again :/ I hope my body goes back to normal - I guess that'll come when things between me and Jayson get better and circumstances change. Stress has played a big role in my odd bodily functions. Could it also be because of his weight gain that's causing me to be less responsive sexually? Could it be because sex has become mechanical rather than spontaneous and romantic? Perhaps it's a combination of factors. Whatever it is, I hope things get better.

Anywho, things just really have been stressful for me and Jayson, especially with the whole financial shit. There's so much we want to do but cannot because of our financial situations. Although Jayson has his degree, it's difficult for him to find a steady job. Oh, the struggle! Gotta love it, right?

We're gonna get through this. I just hope in the midst of this painstaking era of our lives, that we are still able to make quality time for each other and keep the spark alive.

There are people, like me, who's facing crazy problems with their car..... then you've got other people who buy and sell cars just 'cuz they want to. 

Oh how easy it must be for him. He's got multiple cars, so what's it to him if he sells one... right? And it doesn't matter to him that he had goals for US to learn/relearn driving stick. Well, he's had his practice while I got very little - so for him that means he can sell the car because IT'S HIS AND HE BOUGHT IT and I have absolutely no say in this matter because I had no financial contribution towards it.

Whatever. There goes my chances of mastering stick. And there he goes never being satisfied with whatever vehicle(s) he has.

Going back to my old ways of getting tired of/getting annoyed by Jayson easily.

Since whatever is going on between us is undefined, there are blurred lines about expectations for each other.

Well, for Jayson, he expects love, respect, appreciation and blahhh.
I, however, expect so much more.

And the reason I expect so much - and perhaps too much - is because I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND. I feel like he still has a whole lot more to prove to me. And I am not liking the fact that he has gotten way too comfortable with me again... maybe that's why he thinks he can act the way he does.

But you know what, I only have myself to blame..... because I am the one who allowed him to get this close again, only to be disappointed in the end.

Until I come to some miraculous epiphany that I should just accept him for who he is, nothing he does is good enough for me. And that's the sad truth. Call me shallow or whatever, but I don't give a flying fuck. I am not entitled or obligated to show the kind of love, respect, appreciation - or whatever - that he wants out of a girlfriend. HELL NO.

Honestly, if you think about, we're more like best friends with benefits. 'Cuz I know that I, for one hand, do not want to give him any crazy emotional attachment that he seeks. I only want him when I want him, and if I don't, I kick him to the curb.

Associating myself with Jayson over these past few years has only given me more problems than happiness.

This isn't good nor is it healthy, and I don't know if that happiness can ever outweigh the problems. I have so much more to say, but I never know where to start.

40 Days and 40 Nights

Today, March 5, marks the beginning of Lent.

During Lent, we are not to "consume" flesh.... which actually means we are not to consume human flesh. This is commonly mistaken for not consuming meat produce.

We must abstain from sexual activity. So for the next 40 days, not only will I refrain from actual sex, but I will refrain from all forms of sexual activity.

I learned of the true meaning of "not consuming flesh" last year, yet I still committed the sin - multiple times. Needless to say, the following month I got a yeast infection that lasted the remainder of the year (or until I decided to stop having sex with my partner.) Now I don't know if my yeast infection has gone away, or if it may come back another time... but I believe I have been given another chance to redeem myself. This year, I will not fail Him.

Lord help me, 'cuz temptation often gets the best of us. But if my partner truly respects me and loves Him, then this shall be no problem.