Associating myself with Jayson over these past few years has only given me more problems than happiness.

This isn't good nor is it healthy, and I don't know if that happiness can ever outweigh the problems. I have so much more to say, but I never know where to start.

40 Days and 40 Nights

Today, March 5, marks the beginning of Lent.

During Lent, we are not to "consume" flesh.... which actually means we are not to consume human flesh. This is commonly mistaken for not consuming meat produce.

We must abstain from sexual activity. So for the next 40 days, not only will I refrain from actual sex, but I will refrain from all forms of sexual activity.

I learned of the true meaning of "not consuming flesh" last year, yet I still committed the sin - multiple times. Needless to say, the following month I got a yeast infection that lasted the remainder of the year (or until I decided to stop having sex with my partner.) Now I don't know if my yeast infection has gone away, or if it may come back another time... but I believe I have been given another chance to redeem myself. This year, I will not fail Him.

Lord help me, 'cuz temptation often gets the best of us. But if my partner truly respects me and loves Him, then this shall be no problem.

California Blues

Awww, Jayson just left my house like an hour ago so I won't be seeing my cutie little poohead dorkbutt loser until March 8 :( BUT! I do hope he enjoys his trip and makes the most out of it! Just nothing too crazy or wild, heh :P

Jayson also just turned 24, so I was able to spend time with him and his family for the weekend; I hope he had a good birthday weekend... he deserved it! I've actually been spending a great deal of time with him lately, so I do think this little trip is healthy for the both of us. I will miss him dearly, and most of the time I will most likely be thinking about the past two weeks together and our last sexual encounter ;) LOL.

Ugh I seriously wish for the best for us. <3

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was great :)  Finally got to see some puppies and ate kbbq, yumz. But some white choco covered strawberries would have been nice. Or any sweet treat. Or anything! Lol

Anywho, is it me or are Jayson and I getting too comfortable with each other again?  That's not a good thing, at least in the stage we're in. I don't know. I'm still so torn about him..... about everything.  Idk what's gonna go on between us, but I know for sure I don't wanna go through the same shit I've been going through for the past two and a half years. I don't wanna deal with any emotional burdens just yet. I'm not ready to act like a girlfriend. If he gets too emotional or gets mad about me bitching or can't handle my mood swings or thinks my standards are too high, I honestly just wanna say,  "I don't give a fuck. I'm not your girlfriend." But, that's not me.

Image

I should be reading but... I can't stop thinking about how much I dislike Jayson's new image. I literally told him I'm never getting back with him for as long as he decides to wear that ugly ass earring - not just around me, but around others too. I've expressed to him before how I felt about guys who wear earrings. I guess he doesn't fucking care. lol. -__-

It's funny because one would expect that since I'm the one who initiated the break-up, I'd be going wild and enjoying my single life and trying out new things. But no, it's the complete opposite. Since we broke up, Jayson was the one going out more, while I decided to stay home more. Jayson was the one who took up drinking while I avoided it. Jayson experimented - and is still experimenting - with his image (new hair, earring, etc) while I tried to stay simple and embrace my natural side more.

Ugh I hope this is just a phase. I like the old Jayson a whole lot more than the post-breakup Jayson. He was so handsome with a nice short but spiked hairstyle and no earring. It was more simple.

I mean, let's put it this way: a visible earring on a guy is like me having a nose piercing (or a piercing any part of my face.) How would he feel if I got one? Idk, maybe I'm making a big deal out of this for no reason but I don't care. I stand firm when I say I refuse to date a guy who wears earrings.

Then again, I don't plan on getting back with him anytime soon still. Maybe that's why he's so effing comfortable wearing that shit. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get by him and the more I think of reasons why I still don't want to be with him right now. For example, he needs to chill out with his hormones. He keeps getting sexual with me, and I keep telling him to calm down with that, but he doesn't listen. Was it a mistake to have allowed him to see me after only a month? I know I missed him a lot and all, but now that we're becoming close again, it seems like maybe things are moving a bit too fast. *Sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm glad that we're friends again, but I don't want it to reach to the point where I find myself constantly annoyed by him because he's being too pushy and mushy.

Why does it seem like whether we're in a relationship or not, I always find myself having so many issues with Jayson?' I feel myself going back to the easily annoyed Carla.. but I shouldn't 'cuz we just recently became cool again. Maybe it would have been best to not have seen him so soon. A month of space is nothing now that I think about it.

Will You Be My Valentine?

I was actually gonna write a blog post about how I wish someone would nicely ask me to be their Valentine and how I miss being asked - but Jayson beat me to it! Yesterday night, he pulled a movie scene move. It went like this:

So I'm chillin' on my bed trying to see what's up with my waitlisted classes, and all of a sudden I hear random clacks on my window. After like the 5th one, I was like "Oh my God, is this really happening?" Then I opened my window and there it was: a lit up heart and Jayson standing outside. [I tried to get my window to open all the way but I had trouble, so Jayson actually came up to help me, but we acted like that part never happened, LOL] So there he was outside, with a big ass sign saying "Be My Valentine" right next to the lit-up heart (there were bystanders who were curious to see what would happen next.) Then, he climbed on top of a ladder he placed right below my window and gave me more goodies and then we kissed, yay! It was so cute. And cold. LOL.

Anywho, I posted a pic up on IG about his nice romantic gesture... I got the usual "Aww so sweeet, and Awww I'm so jealous" comments, but then I got a few comments that made me feel bad. Some girls wrote comments about how their man never even asked them to be their Valentine, or how Jayson made their bf look bad and such and such. Now, how would you feel if you were the bfs of these girls? I'd feel damn hurt. And I don't want the bfs of these girls to feel like they have to do something sweet now as if slightly forced instead of doing it from the heart.

AND ALSO: On Fb, it bothered me that my aunt felt the need to state that Pete "beat" Jayson in being sweet (Lord knows what Pete did to ask her to be his Valentine.) Who fucking cares? This ain't a competition. I don't want people to feel like they have to outdo Jayson in romantic gestures, plus, I feel like Pete only did something super sweet 'cuz he saw what Jayson was doing for me. Guys just need to be themselves and if their girl can't accept the way they are, then that's their problem! Jayson himself is just naturally a romantic sap. Some guys aren't. But as long as they show signs of love and affection from the heart, then who cares about all these romantic gestures! And I also don't want Jayson to eventually be the guy who feels the need to be the best in romanticism and "beat" other guys' efforts and do these gestures as more of a "show" rather than a pure act of love.

I understand that girls hate it when men are not sweet enough, but trust me, you wouldn't want a man who is overly sweet, especially if most of the sweet things he does is only to prove something and is not heartfelt.

I think Jayson has the right amount of sweetness, though there are some times when he can be super corny, lol. Either way, I love him for his personality and I wouldn't want him to change - unless it's for the better. That's why he's my Valentine forever and I'm his. OR ELSE I'LL KILL A BITCH.

Last Night...

Sooo last night, I finally got to see Jayson again after a whole month. That month without seeing him has been the longest month of my life, yet it seems like it went by so quick. Either way, I missed him. A LOT.

We had dinner at BonChon (yumz!) and watched That Awkward Moment afterwards. We were able to catch up on what's been going on with each other in the past month. For him, much has happened - not so much for me as I've written in previous blog posts, lol. But I was glad we talked about what seemed like everything. And honestly, a lot of weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I was assured he wasn't talking to another woman or getting wild where ever he went (well, there were a couple of times he got really drunk...) Anywho, I was also glad to not see him with an earring on (though I can't stop him if he wants to wear it around other people eh.)

I'm just happy he's still the same Jayson who [hopefully] loves and respects me like he's always had before. Last night was great, and I really needed that.

This leaves me to the question: Now what? I still want my space 'cuz I'm not ready for a serious tied-down relationship again just yet. But we kissed last night... and we kissed a lot. I honestly wasn't supposed to allow that to happen... I told myself it would just be a casual night, but still, we kissed. I guess that was a way of me saying "I'm still keeping my heart open for you." I don't want to rush anything though... I just want to take my time. I don't mind seeing him every so often, but I'm not ready to go back to seeing him every week just yet. If Jayson and I are to be together again, I want it to be a slow process - there's still much to happen for the both of us before we settle down. Let's just say, the next time Jayson and I ever get back together, that'll be IT. And from then on I hope we can take the next step in our relationship. If, of course, we're meant to be together.



God I missed him so much.